growth | a new view of 2009
Image by ashley.adcox
props to NinianLif for the texture. I'm just playing around with textures. still haven't made myself use photoshop for more than slight photo edits, so yea...just playing around.
After the horrific first 12 or so hours of 2009, it's really shaping up to be a great year. I've decided that 2009 is my year of action. I've had a lot of thoughts, a lot of plans, a lot of desires...but I haven't had much action. I'm starting out in a (relatively) simple way.
As accustomed to solitude as I've become, I'm starting to realize that I'm just not getting much accomplished, and I'm not really growing on my own. As weird and awkward and just...different as it is for me to get myself out there, I'm really trying to force myself to do just that.
In the last week I've hung out with more people than I have over the last 6 months. Yea...kind of crazy.
On top of that, I've been hanging out with someone new- which is surprisingly refreshing. I think everyone needs to do a bit of relationship-updating at times...and it's been years upon years since I've done that.
So right now I'm focusing on relationships (I really, really dislike the term "friendship"...it just seems so...3rd grade-ish to me- so whenever I say "relationship", that's what I mean- just...everyone I know). So yea- focusing on relationships, but I think that alone has the possibility of branching out and helping me get more involved with my community/the church community (which really, REALLY should not be mutually excluse...I very much want those two to intertwine quite a bit, in multiple ways)
I think the biggest help in all of this has been variety. Whenever I've tried to do stuff with friends in the past, oddly enough, it always ended up being the same friend. Like...I would do stuff with multiple friends, but never around the same time. Friends would call me up, and all of a sudden, we're trying to hang out EVERY day for a week, and it was just WAY too much for me. I think I'm starting to see that I'm not necessarily as anti-social as I thought I was...maybe I don't need as much space as I thought I did...but I just can't be hanging around the same person/people ALL the time...I need variety. And I don't mean that against any of them in any way- I think maybe it's just easy for me to feel suffocated or something?
Maybe trying to come out of being a loner- drifting on my own, playing by my own rules, to suddenly being tied down to a group- maybe that was too much too fast? I think it's cool that some people have a "core group" of friends that become like family...but that's just not what I'm looking for right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever have a "core group" or if it's just too soon, that's just not where I'm at right now at ALL! But I'm definitely WAY more open to people now than I was even a month ago.
And for now, that's progress enough for me :)
All of that being said, I'm deeply thankful for all of the "alone time" I've had. I think I was able to kind of come in to my own, figure out who I am at the very core, and develop my own values without pressure from peers. Pressure can be good- I think you need to be sure that your beliefs will stay under pressure...but I'm not going to set myself up for failure. I've been lucky enough to not be lured away by sex, drugs, alcohol, excessive materialism, petty dating, or social status. Would I had I been out in the world these past few years? Who can say? But they weren't even issues- they never even entered my mind, and I'm thankful for that. It was a cool way to "come of age". I'm totally NOT one of those "shelter the children!!! Cover their eyes!!" people- I'm all about being aware and being realistic...but I think there's a difference between being aware, and being set up for failure.
I know that my spiritual beliefs will never be compromised- a lot of that has to do with how I used that alone time- growing closer to God. That's a Love you don't forget, no matter how far off track you get. So I grew in that sense- that was the version of boot camp that God decided to put me through. But boot camp is over- my alone time is coming to an end.
This well has run dry. I've gotten so much out of my time "closed off" from the world, but now I'm using it as a crutch. There's not a doubt in my mind it was exactly what I needed for a while, but lately...it's been holding me back. So now that I realize that, I'm ready to change it. I've got to move on to the next stage of my life that God is (so clearly) ushering in. I'm nervous. I question my commitment. But I know it's good stuff. I'll probably screw it up a few times...but deep down, I'm ready for change.
eek. big change, big change!
Take all your chances when you can
You never know when they'll pass you by
Like a sum the mathematician cannot solve
Like me trying my hardest to explain
It's all about your cries and kisses
Those first steps that I can't calculate
I need some more of you to take me over
Take me over
If I had the chance to start again
Then you would be the one I'd come and find
Like the poster of Berlin on my wall
Maybe there's a chance our walls might fall
It's all about your cries and kisses
Those first steps that I can't calculate
I need some more of you to take me over
It's all about your cries and kisses
Those first steps that I can't calculate
I need some more of you to take me over
I've no idea cause I cant calculate
How to start again
How to start again
How to start again
It's all about you
-Athlete: Chances
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